


But dismiss your fears

by akosmia



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Fluff, M/M, or kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-03
Updated: 2015-02-03
Packaged: 2018-03-10 08:39:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3284006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akosmia/pseuds/akosmia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Healing is hard, and it takes time. Nico knows he's not alright - there are ugly scars he's afraid to show, there are holes in his soul that nothing can mend, there are nightmares and screams and ghosts. There is his fragile heart learning how to beat without breaking.</p><p>He's not alright, but he will be, eventually.</p>
            </blockquote>





	But dismiss your fears

**Author's Note:**

> Don't look at me, I just love them so much. I am sorry for possible mistakes, English is not my first language. 
> 
> Title by After the Storm, by Mumford and Sons.

In the end, it turns out that resting isn't just his thing and Will Solace has to physically restrain him from sprinting out of the infirmary, sword in hand, ready to kick enemy's asses and shadow travel around the world. Or something like that.

"Nico, listen to me" Will says, resting a hand on his shoulder. Nico looks at him like he's trying to decide how to kill him, but really, he doesn't even think about protesting. He doesn't know why, but all the words he could say die in his throat and he stays silent. "You need to heal. Otherwise ..." _otherwise you'll disappear_ , that's what Will doesn't say, but Nico hears it anyway. He looks at his pale hands, the skin of his wrists almost invisible and he feels like a ghost already. "You have to rest. And stop with the whole Underworld magic thing. You can survive without summoning zombies for a few days, I promise".  
  
"I know" Nico says. He thinks about his hands fading away, and Bryce, turned into a ghost. The thought makes him sick and he wonders if Will would be here, a hand on his shoulder (a warm, bright sensations that radiates through his whole frozen body) and a concerned expression on his face, if he knew the things Nico has done. He closes his eyes and breathes, trying to calm himself. It doesn't work. "It's just ... I'm not used to rest".  
  
The grip on his shoulder becomes more firm, but that doesn't bother him. He doesn't like physical contact, but there's something about Will's touch - healer's hand - that warms up his body and makes him feel like Will just mended all the wounds in his heart.  
  
"That's why you have to" he says, and looks at him. Will doesn't look at him like he's afraid he's going to kill him - but, rather, like he's some kind of riddle he desperately wants to solve. Nico realizes that's the first time someone's not shaking with fear in front of him and it feels nice. "I understand that. I haven't had a good night sleep in a while, I'm always jumpy and I'm still afraid the world is going to end any second. But the world is safe now. You are safe. You can allow yourself to rest. It's over".  
  
Nico knows it's not over. Gaea may be defeated, but the war is raging on in their hearts. There is sorrow, and grief, and demigods who will never see another dawn, and the words from the funeral rites still burn in his throat. There are wounds not even Will can mend, there are the consequences of his actions. It's not over - not completely.  
But standing so close to Will he almost believes it. He feels the warmth his body radiates and feels safe for the first time in years. Maybe it's not over, but things will get better, eventually.  
  
Nico tries to smile. It hurts and it's hard but he tries. And that's all that matters. "I guess I can try" he says, and Will's smile (sunshine, and warmth and brightness) makes it worth it.  
  
\---  
Percy stops by the second day.  
  
Nico is so wrapped up in the book he's reading ("Dude. I can't believe you missed Harry Potter. Like. Dude" Will has said and Nico is like, _sorry for being busy saving the world, you know_ ) he doesn't notice until he hears someone clearing their throat and he looks up and - _oh_.  
  
Percy seems more hesitant than confused, now, and he has his serious expression on - the one Nico would have sold his soul for, and he almost did, didn't he? But now Percy doesn't look like a god or an idol anymore, just like a seventeen year old boy who's struggling to find the right words. Nico almost smiles. It's not becoming easier, but one day it will. He wants to believe it.  
  
"Will said I could visit only if I didn't stress you out. I think he's very serious about that" he explains. He looks like he's afraid to break him with his words and Nico doesn't know how to feel. He's not used to be cared for. He is not used to people tiptoeing around him just because they are afraid of hurting his feelings. It's a new and weird sensation.  
  
"Yeah" Nico says, in the end. "I think I freaked him out when I almost turned into a ghost".  
  
"Sorry about that".  
  
Nico shakes his head. "It's not your fault, Percy".  
  
Percy sighs. "It is. I shouldn't have let you shadow travel alone around the world with a gigantic statue. You almost killed yourself. I'm sorry" He looks so serious Nico's heart almost breaks. Percy is always so dumbly happy and all that when he's serious he's quite scary. He looks impossibly old and tired (so, so wrong, this expression shouldn't be on a boy's face, it's wrong and it's sad and Nico hates it) and that's the look of somebody who's gone through Tartarus. Nico can understand that. "And I'm sorry for yesterday. I have a hard time grasping concept, I--"  
  
"It's okay, I shouldn't have blurted it out like that. Sorry if I made it awkward".  
  
Nico thinks about yesterday - the confused expression on Percy's face, Annabeth's knowing smile and the relief and guilt that washed over him, and doesn't even ask himself if it was the right thing to do. To fully heal, you have to let go the things that hurt you.  
  
He also thinks about Will's hand warming up his body and slowly healing all his wounds.  
  
"You didn't. I'm sorry. I was stupid and oblivious and I can't even imagine how hard must have been for you. I'm sorry, Nico".  
  
He's obviously feeling guilty. He fidgets with his hands, like he doesn't know what to do with them, but looks at him with his sea-green eyes that seem to read his soul. There is so much guilty and sadness that Nico's hearts breaks again. He can't allow Percy to feel this way.  
  
"Percy, stop" he says, closing his eyes. He breathes, trying to calm himself. "I didn't tell you because I wanted an apology. It's not your fault. Not everything that happens is on you".  
  
"Maybe not, but it's not your fault either, Nico".  
  
Nico stays quiet for a while, too stunned for the sudden burst of intuition tumbling out Percy's mouth. He's so used to him being distracted and confused that he often forgets that Percy's smart, in his oblivious way. He doesn't know how to react. He's not used to be read so clearly, and most of all, he's not used to be read by Percy.  
  
It's not his fault - there was a time he had trouble believing that. But now Percy stands in front of him and his heart doesn't hurt anymore. It isn't painful. It's just like a memory that's fading away, a good kind of hurt, and he believes it for the first time in his life. It's not his fault.  
  
Feelings are not something you have to feel guilty about. He tries to believe it. He _wants_ to believe it.  
  
"Listen, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I know it was hard for you going through it all alone. I can understand if you hated me. And still, you saved my life. You always saved my life. You are the strongest person I know" Percy says, and Nico feels his heart clench, but it doesn't hurt. "And I just wanted you to know what even if I don't feel the same way, I do care about you, Nico".  
  
They stay quiet for a while. Maybe long ago it would have hurt, but now he feels okay, or sort of - and Percy is not an hero to worship with eyes full of devotion anymore, but just a boy with an hesitant smile, and a kind soul.  
  
"Thank you" Nico says, in the end.  
  
Percy smiles again. "Please, tell me I didn't stress you out. I have a feeling Will's just waiting here for the right moment to kill me with his flip flops".  
  
At that, Nico laughs.  
  
"I'm fine, Will's overreacting".  
  
"Yeah, because you going ghost happens all the time. So healthy and boring".  
  
"But I'm fine now".  
  
Percy smiles again, and he looks so normal, so _Percy_ that Nico's heart stops for a minute. But it's like watching an old photograph, or a ghost. He needs to let it go. "So. I'm gonna let you read Harry Potter. I can't believe you missed that, dude".  
  
Later, when Will comes checking on him and asks about Percy's visit, Nico shrugs.  
  
"It's okay, I'm fine" he says and he is surprised to realize he actually means it.  
  
\---  
"I can't believe it was Quirrel all along" Nico blurts out when Will stops by, that night.  
  
He looks confused for a second, like he's afraid Nico is finally going crazy, then he sees the book on the nightstand and grins. "Finished that already?"  
  
"It's not like I have a lot to do here" Nico says. "Besides, it was cool".  
  
Will looks like Nico just handed him the cure for every disease ever. And his smile is warm and bright and he feels his stomach choke on those skeletal butterflies that seems to be inevitable every time Will looks at him. _Oh gods._  
  
"I knew it! You are totally a dork, Death Boy. I'll go fetching the second one, wait a sec--"  
  
"No, wait!" Nico exlaims before he can stop himself. Will turns and looks at him with a raised eyebrow. "I mean, you don't have to go back and forth. I can stop by your cabin someday. When you let me out, I mean. If you want. It's not like I'm inviting myself".  
  
 _Yeah, good job here, di Angelo_ , he says to himself. He's a son of Hades, every living thing fears him and he can't even speak to Will Solace without messing it up. This is so embarrassing.  
  
But Will smiles again and for a second Nico swears he's actually glowing.  
  
"I'd like that. We can watch the first movie if you want".  
  
"There are movies about this?"  
  
Will laughs and it's the best sound ever. "You are so gonna love this century, Death Boy".  
  
He is so fascinated by Will's laugh that he doesn't even complain about that terrible nickname. Instead, he looks at the son of Apollo right in front of him, his blond hair messy and disheveled like he's always running a hand trough it. It suits him.  
  
"Can I ask you something?" the words tumble out of his mouth before he knows it. Will looks at him, his blue eyes studying his face like the answer for all the questions of the world is written on his pale skin. "Why do you still talk to me?"  
  
Will frowns. "You want me to leave you alone?" asks, and his smile falls off his face. Nico curses himself for the poor choice of words.  
  
"No! Absolutely not! That's not what I meant" he says, quickly, and he can feel himself blushing. _So much for being the Ghost King everybody fears_. Will grins, and signals him to keep talking. "I mean, you saw what I did with Octavian. I thought you were avoiding me. I thought you hated me".  
  
The boy looks at him, stunned. He sits on the edge of his bed, without looking away for just one second, and Nico can feel the heat of his body pressed against his thigh, and it's too much and not enough. He wants him closer and he's scared of that. He spent so much time hating himself and being scared of his own feelings that he doesn't know what to do with them. He doesn't know how to act normally, he doesn't even know how to handle those feelings, or what they mean. He's confused and a little bit scared and he wants to run away, or to bury his head in Will's neck and ask him what does this mean. And he's so scared of this.  
  
"I don't hate you, Nico" Will says, and there's a firmness in his voice, a determination that hurts. Because he's so sincere and so, so nice to him and Nico doesn't deserve it. Will should hate him. But he looks at him like he's the reason the sun rises at dawn and Nico's heart beats furiously in his chest as if it is trying to break free from its cage of bones, and it hurts so much, but it feels so good. And Nico wants to cry or scream or maybe both. And he doesn't understand it at all. "I could never hate you".  
  
Nico can not wrap his head around that. He deserves to be hated, feared. Not cared for. Not mended. Not fixed. "But I'm a monster! I let Octavian kill himself, I--"  
  
"You are annoying" Will stops him and takes Nico's hand in his. His touch is warm and gentle as usual and Nico can feel his own hand trembling in that grip. Electricity runs through his spine but he doesn't pull away. "And dense. And really clueless sometimes. And your fashion sense sucks. But you're not a monster".  
  
He desperately wants to believe that. He wants to believe he's not a monster, that he's just a kid who's gone through hell - quite literally. But he remembers Bryce turning into a ghost and the feeling of his hands melting into shadow. Will's hand is an anchor that keeps him tied to the mortal world, but he can't pretend. He just can't.  
  
"You don't even know me" Nico says, voice shaking in his throat. "I've done things ... things I'm not proud of. If you knew-"  
  
"I'd still be here".  
  
Nico looks at him. Will is so determined, so optimistically sure of that. The touch of his hand is quiet and kind, and speaks of forgiveness. Maybe he's trying to heal him. Maybe he thinks his hands can fix even his tortured soul. Or, maybe, his hand just feel so nice and Nico's so tired of denying himself the things that make him feel good.  
  
"We all make mistakes" Will says. His voice is unwavering, so dumbly sure of that - like is that simple. _We all make mistake, Nico, it's time you start to accept yours and move forwards_. It's not that simple. "That's what makes us human. And some things can not be prevented, no matter how hard you try" his thumb strokes Nico's skin and that feels so nice, like every touch of his fingertips is burning a hole in the whole layer of bitterness and sorrow and hatred that surrounds his soul. "But you're not a monster. You could never be a monster. Are we clear now?"  
  
Will is determined and he'll never stop believing that, Nico realizes. Right now, it is difficult to understand and accept this thought. But maybe, if Will keeps on telling him, one day he'll start believing it - he's not a monster.  
  
"Yeah" Nico says. "Thanks".  
  
He wishes for better words, but the English language seems so limited when it comes to express his gratitude and it doesn't matter - Will understands anyway.  
  
Will smiles and squeezes his hand, before pulling away. "You're welcome, Sunshine".  
  
Nico wants to never let him go.  
  
\---  
Will lets him out of the infirmary at the end of the third day, but only after Nico has sworn on the river Styx he's not doing his "Creepy Underworld Magic Thing" for at least a month. Nico has no trouble promising him that - now that the war's over and he's staying at Camp Half Blood he's not going to shadow travel anymore. And he doesn't think he'll need to summon a bunch of dead people. He can survive just fine.  
  
"And don't think I won't check on you, because I will" Will reminds him, with a stern look on his face. Nico smiles (or tries to) at the thought.  
  
"I promised, Solace" Nico says. "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine".  
  
Will doesn't believe him at all. "Yeah, says the kid who almost became a ghost" mutters sarcastically, but before Nico can defend himself ( _there was a war going on, and, after all, if Gaea won there was no point at all in being alive, so._ ), he continues. "But I'm serious. You should take care of yourself. Hazel is going to strangle me with the Mist if I let you ghost yourself" Will runs a hand through his hair, suddenly looking away from him. "And besides, I'd like you to stay you. Not some crazy shadow ghost thing. I like the normal you".  
  
Nico is really glad Will's not looking at him right now, because he can feel his face turn red and his hands trembling in his pockets and that's so pathetic. He is a son of Hades, he battled giants and Titans and monsters and can summon the dead, but Will Solace pays him a compliment (or a sort of? He's not sure, maybe he should ask Piper?) and he is gone. Completely useless.  
  
"I'll try to stay me, then" he says, when he finally finds his voice again, after what it feels like centuries.  
  
Will laughs nervously. "Yeah, now don't let that go to your head, you're still annoying as hell" he stays quiet for a second. "Pun intended".  
  
Nico wants to smack his face and hug him.  
  
"You are such a dork, Solace".  
  
Will tries to smile, but he's still pretty embarrassed and Nico thinks that's cute. And then he almost thinks about strangling himself for having thought that.  
  
"See you around then?" Will asks, a funny mix of sadness and hope. Nico doesn't know what to do, so he does the logical thing you do when you look at a boy and skeletal butterflies decide it's the right time to start a war in your stomach.  
  
He improvises.  
  
"Maybe sometimes I can stop by" he blurts out, turning red again. He can sense it's going to be a regular thing from now on and he doesn't like it at all. Will looks shocked, like Nico has suddenly started to speak Italian, which he's pretty sure he hasn't. "In the infirmary, I mean. If you want. I can bring you food" _oh gods just stop talking already_. "You think I don't notice, but I know you get so absorbed in your work you forget to eat. Maybe I can bring you something".  
  
Will looks surprised, but after a few excruciating seconds (in which Nico almost thought that being a ghost didn't sound so bad anymore), he smiles and it's the brightest smile ever.  
  
"I'd really like that" he says, and takes Nico's hand, intertwining their fingers. It feels like sunshine, like lazy summer afternoons spent lying in the sun, like the promise of warmth after winter, like spring slowly heating up his cold and aching bones.  
  
And it's beautiful.  
  
Healing is hard, and it takes time. Nico knows he's not alright - there are ugly scars he's afraid to show, there are holes in his soul that nothing can mend, there are nightmares and screams and ghosts. There is his fragile heart learning how to beat without breaking.  
  
He's not alright, but he will be, eventually.  
  
He squeezes Will's hand, and doesn't let him go.


End file.
